If I had a dollar for every minute I’ve spent immediately after a show or a clinic holding back tears, I’d be picking up poop with a solid 18k gold pitchfork.

Today, we had a halloween show at the barn, and post show was no different – but for once, they weren’t tears of frustration and disappointment because I’m spiraling into thoughts of how I’m a terrible horsewoman, berating myself for not being able to ride. They were tears of relief, because finally, finally, I get it.

The seeds were planted a couple of weeks ago. We had a mounted warrior clinic, and I got to realize a dream I’d had since early 2023 and I saw the first clinic advertised on Facebook: Griffy was sound! I could ride him! I was so thrilled!

Of course, he threw a shoe two days before, and the farrier couldn’t make it out to fix it. But he was going pretty well in his boot, and C & I agreed as long as we kept it to a walk he’d be ok. I’m very, very conservative in how much & how long I ask him to work, and we communicate well, so I felt okay about doing it.

Now, there were some things he was good at:

And some things he was not.

We started on the ground, and made really good progress:

Of course, we were the only ones in-hand. Other horses rode past it without issue. But somehow, I just…didn’t care. I felt sure that this was what Griffy needed. And someone else had a horse that struggled a bit….and I don’t mean this as judgement, every horse/rider relationship is different, and how they work through anxiety is unique to them. But I watched them ride their horse in circles around that tower, again and again and again…and I watched the anxious horse try to avoid it every time, only to be forced closer, eyes wide, without their anxiety coming down, and I just thought “That’s not how we do things.”

Last week, we decided to teach Talos to ground drive. We thought it would be a good thing for him to learn and help him get into work. C. attached both reins to his halter….and he freaked out. He danced in a circle, looking at me with panicked eyes. I breathed. I told him yes. I told him good boy. He stopped dancing, and we just breathed. C. shook her head and said she hated humans. I asked why. “He was probably taught to pick up his legs by being hit with a whip,” she said. “That’s why he got scared when something touched him.” I looked at his tense face again. We removed one rein and carefully touched his legs all over with the remaining one. He stood quietly. Still anxious, but I was breathing and telling him good boy. We added the second one. He was still anxious, but he was trusting me that he’d be ok. I asked him for a step forward. He did it. I kept breathing and giving out yes’s and good boys. He walked a few more. We stopped. We walked. And then we were done, telling him he did an excellent job.

I could have forced him forward, lunged him in circles with both reins on until he was either exhausted or so shut down he wasn’t showing anxiety anymore. But that’s not how we do things.

Earlier this week, someone posted this on Facebook. I hope it’s public, but I’m going to copy it below just in case:

Get off the horse.

When they’re struggling, when you’re having a bad ride. When their antics are scaring you.

Don’t be afraid to get off.

You aren’t “letting them win” because the horse is not your adversary.

It is not you versus your horse.

It’s you and your horse versus the problem.

And many times, getting off and going back to groundwork can be incredibly beneficial for helping your horse through their struggles.

If they’re scared, having you there beside them on the ground instead of on top of them can bring them confidence.

If you’re scared whilst riding them, getting off the ground lowers your anxiety and likely, also your horses.

The “ride through it” mentality is primarily for human ego and negates the benefit of groundwork.

You don’t need to ride through it.

Sometimes doing so is stupid and dangerous.

Sometimes doing so is traumatic for the horse.

So, don’t be afraid to get off.

Don’t be afraid to take a break.

Don’t be afraid to work through the issues on the ground.

You don’t need to be “tough” and ride through it.

Softness and patience have value and merit.

Oftentimes, the last thing a stressed flight animal needs is toughness and force.

Giving them patience and remaining by their side as a supportive companion is more beneficial than you might imagine.

The mentality of always riding through antics and always getting back on after a fall is a harmful one.

There’s a quote “you’re either going to the hospital or getting back on, hospital or on” that I’ve seen many proudly share.

You can be injured without needing a hospital visit.

Your horse can be fried and not in a place to learn following a fall.

Honouring your horse and yourself by having the humility to know when to stop is a strength, not a weakness.

So, don’t be afraid to get off your horse.

“Riding through it” is not the flex people think it is.

I can’t begin to tell you how that resonated with me.

Today the halloween show had an obstacle course. I watched people ride their horses through it, and when they struggled with an obstacle they were forced forward, lunged in small circles, and pushed ahead. And that’s their choice on how to do it. But you know what?

That’s not how we do things.

Griffy was anxious & afraid too. There was one obstacle called a car wash he would not do. I asked him. He said no. I asked again. He said no again. I asked if he’d walk past it rather than through it. He said ok, we could try that.

But you know what he did do, without a moment’s hesitation?

The tarp! The first time we ever did an obstacle course, this was the obstacle he would not do. Today he just cruised over it and even tried to eat one of the little skulls (I thankfully got it back before he did.)

And now I get it – there’s no point in being upset, because it’s not about what any other horse and rider can do, or will do, or does do. It’s not about my horsemanship, my abilities, or how capable I am. It’s not about my fear, my anxiety, or my self-doubt.

It’s just about us. Him & me vs. the problem.

And that is how we do things.

As a side note, we also won best overall costume: