Before we get started I’m going to tell you right now that I’m going to talk a lot about my horse’s penis. There won’t actually be any pics, though. You’re welcome.

It was an offhand comment made by Anna Blake during a class, I don’t even remember what we were talking about.

“Griffy is an anxious horse,” she said. I was surprised. He is? “Treats, cause anxiety,” she told me later. But I don’t really think of Griffy as an anxious horse.

Talos, on the other hand, is a ball of anxiety most of the time:

But Griffy is pretty chill. He rarely spooks, and when he does it’s very small. He is my go-to for obstacles, mounted combat, and mounted archery – sure, he needs a bit to get familiar with everything, but once he gets into the groove, it’s all good in the hood.

But her comments took me back to a bodywork session a few months ago. Our osteopath is really, really good and has an amazing depth of knowledge about horses.

See….Griffy is known for….well. Let’s just say it. He’s known for having his dick out. Geldings (and stallions) will often “drop” when they’re relaxed, but Griffy gets a stiffy. A lot. Like, a LOT.

Like I said, I’m not going to post any pictures of it. Just take my word for it. I’m really, really good at photoshop.

The person I bought Griffy from, my friend J., is big into R+ training. I’m not opposed to it – I think there are far worse methods out there. And she’s taught her horses some incredible things with it, most recently her horse Leo learned how to strike a shield that someone in armor is holding up. It’s really cool, if you’re not the one on the receiving end.

So Griffy was trained that way, and that’s what I tried to do as well. I’m gonna say this, though – I suck at it. I just don’t have very good timing, and that’s really important. We stumbled through it – I mean I got him to do mounted archery, so it’s not all bad, but I feel like that’s more despite my methods rather than because of them. The problem I always had is that he gets SO INTO the treats. He becomes so focused on getting them he is no longer trying to do the thing, he’s just trying to get a treat. R+ training says you need to lower the “value” of the reward – so instead of offering their favorite cookie, you give them a bit of alfalfa, or some forage, or something less exciting. The problem with Griffy is that everything is high value to him. Either it’s so boring he doesn’t want it (like plain hay) or he wants it with a fiery passion. We worked with a professional R+ trainer once and she said we just had to keep the sessions limited, before he got too excited. But he ramps up really fast – you get maybe 1-2 minutes. I know training sessions should be short, but it doesn’t feel like a lot is getting done in 90 seconds. I have also heard of pause buckets, where you direct them to forage to take a break, but that didn’t really work either, because he’s so amped up about the treats he ignores the forage and just follows me nickering…with a giant erection.

Despite my mid R+ skills, I have always given both horses tons of treats. I mean, I like cookies…makes sense that they like cookies. And they really, really like cookies. There’s even someone at our barn who makes these homemade horse treats that they absolutely love. I bring treats when I go get them from the pasture. I give them treats while I groom them. I give them treats while I ride them. Sometimes, if I’m in a rush, I just go up to the pasture, give them cookies, and then leave.

Anyway, back to the bodywork session. He had his trademark stiffy, and, frowning, she asked me if that happened often. I laughed.

“All the time,” I said. “He’s famous for it.”

She asked me if he had any other stud behaviors, I told her no. He visits with his mare neighbors but he doesn’t act like he wants to mate with them, and he’s never tried to mount anyone. She mentioned that sometimes, when a horse gets a stiffy with no sexual motivation, it can be a sign of anxiety.

At this point, this idea was rattling around in my head….do you remember that old Simpson’s episode where Mr. Burns tries to trick the employees into getting rid of their dental insurance, right when Lisa needs braces? And Homer is standing there with “Dental plan….Lisa needs braces!…Dental plan….Lisa needs braces!” playing in his head?

That was me, except I was thinking “Griffy is an anxious horse….food causes anxiety…” and then an image of his dick.

It finally clicked during a mounted archery session. I was leading him down the lane, and he was clearly anxious. We hadn’t been at C’s very long at this point, and things were still pretty new. He was rushing, he was anxious….and he had an erection.

I led him to the grass. Grazing is how horses naturally bring their anxiety down. I watched as he relaxed and put it away, so to speak, as he grazed. We walked the lane again. Out it came. We grazed. In it went.

Holy shit. Griffy is an anxious horse!!!

I immediately stopped giving treats. It’s harder than it should be, for me. I almost feel like I’m not enough, if they aren’t getting cookies they won’t want to do things with me. There’s clearly some deep-seated issues there from being fed as a child. But much to my surprise, the horses didn’t really seem to care. Even Griffy, who we call the Cookie Monster – he was just….fine. He still occasionally nudges my pockets just to check, but overall, he doesn’t really seem to miss the treats. And the best part is I really think it’s helped his anxiety come down! When I see him ramping up I let him graze for a few minutes. When he’s calmed down enough, we go back to doing the thing. We’re still working on a balance between grazing and working, but I’d say it’s going really well.