First, the most important update: Floof is now a permanent resident.

He’s also growing at an alarming rate, and I wish he could be a tiny Floof forever, but apparently he’s determined to be a big cat.

Anyway, on to the horse stuff. This happened:

You will see my name under group 3. I will tell you right now, I did not do it. We hauled the horses out there on Thursday for practice, got them off the trailer, and in that instant I knew it wasn’t happening. I turned to C.

“Yeah, I can’t do this. I don’t know why I thought I could.”

We thought there would be a walk/trot division, but there wasn’t. They would have let me walk, but it wouldn’t have been scored. I would have literally been the only person walking; everyone else cantered. Now I am not one to normally care what others think, but the thought of all the other competitors standing impatiently at the beginning of the lane as we slowly ambled down….

…the weight of my accident in December and the fear I’ve felt in the saddle and the fact that I’ve hardly ridden since then came crashing down on me and it was just too much. I couldn’t do it.

But I want to give a shoutout to M., who did do it, and did amazingly well, and even got a prize for doing the hardest course on the hardest day!!

The organizer of the competition is someone I know and said something that has stuck with me. He kept (gently) pushing me to ride and I kept saying no. He said “You can do this – I have seen you do it!”

And that really gave me pause, because it made me wonder why am I so scared? I have literally ridden this course, on the organizer’s horse, at a canter, with no fear. So why am I freaking out now?

The week after the competition, there was another local show. I didn’t want to go, but I said I would, so we did.

It was such a different experience than the first one! We talked about plans and timing and everything, but the biggest difference was stepping off the trailer, Griffy was like “Oh, this again. Right.”

We still did everything in hand, but it was so much fun this time! I really enjoyed being there with him. I think he enjoyed it too.

We had new obstacles – one of them involved picking up a giant flag, walking it in a circle, then putting it back. I was trying to maneuver it back into its holder when I turned around & saw the whole thing was covering Griffy’s face. And he was just standing there calmly, waiting for me to get my shit together. Probably rolling his eyes at his dumb human.

It felt like such a light, happy day, one that we desperately needed.

I’ve finally gotten back in the saddle with Talos, sort of. Back in September I decided to give him 3 months off of being ridden to work on strengthening his body – kind of like rehab. I broke my hand in December, so riding in January was out. Then the weather sucked through a lot of February. Finally in March I got back on him, and it was…hard. He was anxious about it. Me too. He’s so big. 16.2 hands feels like a million miles in the air sometimes.

To his credit, he never did anything to justify my fear. I was just afraid. I kept our rides short & easy – mostly just 15 minutes of walking – ostensibly to ease him back into it, but let’s be honest, it was for me. I spent every minute in the saddle wanting to get off.

I was starting to wonder if I really am a horsewoman. Maybe this was just a phase. Maybe I just let them be pasture pets. Mounted archery is a dumb sport anyway. We always have in-hand obstacles….

Last week I took Griffy up – I hadn’t ridden him in a minute. I didn’t want to ride. I just felt like I should. Got on him and started our warmup.

And then I felt it.

My heart got lighter. I was suddenly…happy. The kind of happy you only ever get in the saddle, with your best friend, in a way that makes you think “God damn, how am I so lucky to be able to do this?”

We were just walking, but it was a free, easy, relaxed walk. His ears were tipped back listening to me. And I just couldn’t think of anywhere else I’d rather be.

Oh yeah. This is why.

I got off and I hugged him and told him he was the best boy. He already knew.

Last night I rode Talos. It was the best ride we’ve had since the summer. I suddenly wasn’t afraid. And it was the same with him – when I picked up the bridle, he didn’t turn away. I didn’t have to wait for him to volunteer, he was right there, ready. His walk was big and easy and free. I didn’t spend every second in the saddle wanting to be out of it. We just enjoyed the time together.

I wrote earlier about how we do things, and if it takes us longer or we do it differently because that’s how it makes Griffy & Talos happy, then that’s how we do it. I need to extend that same grace to myself – if I’m not ready to do it on a certain timeline or in a certain space, well…that’s just how we’re going to have to do it.